In the time that I have spent at college a lot has changed about me. I have taken keeping my room neat and tidy, making sure everything is clean all the time, and not letting something stay on the floor for longer than a few days. It’s just the way I have created my life to be. And it kills me to walk back into my parent’s house because…..well because none of that seems to be important there.
I love my family, I do. But keeping things neat and tidy just isn’t really their thing. Making sure things are clean and picked up and laundry done…..it just isn’t something they do. It wasn’t something I did until I moved out. I am just as guilty of that house as they are, but I have started to change. Tried to change the way I live.
So, for a few days I will be at my parents house. A place I tend to avoid because it gives me so much anxiety. Because I have to have a clean and neat area to get anything done, and that just doesn’t exist here. And it kills me. I literally have so much to do this week and I just….I don’t know if I will be able to get it done. But, I guess that is part of the reason I came home for a few days. To try and make things neat and tidy in my parent’s house.
I didn’t live at home over last summer. I stayed on campus and took classes. I didn’t have to deal with it. I purposefully stay on campus over breaks, so I don’t have to deal with it. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep hiding from it. Because I want to be able to bring my boyfriend home. I want to be able to come home over the weekend and not feel anxiety. I want to feel okay in my parents house.
So, I will be spending my break from school cleaning my parent’s house. At least a few days of it anyway. Starting with my bedroom and working my way through the rest of the house. Specifically the downstairs. Because if I’m going to live here over the summer I am going to need to not feel this anxiety.
It’s time I faced the fear of falling back into that lifestyle. It’s time to face my fear of what life could be like living at home this summer. Because I simply cannot stay on campus another summer. It almost killed me last summer, and I can’t go through that again.